Babblery and prittle-prattle from Early Modern England

  1. Jesus Half-Cures a Persistent Lameness

    A plain and true relation of a very extraordinary cure of Mariane Maillard, in a letter to a friend.

    Dear Sir,

    I received yours of the 20th Instant, in which you desire to be informed of the truth of a story which you say you have seen in a small printed paper called The Happy Virgin of a French girl lately cured after an extraordinary manner, in a moment of time, of an old inveterate lameness - which hath been always thought incurable by any art of man - as she was reading the story of our Saviour’s healing and pardoning of the paralytic. Being therefore always ready to serve you in what I may, and being myself also much affected with the thing, I have inquired fully into the matter and do not in the least doubt of its truth and certainty, though I am very much concerned and scandalized at that relation which you have seen in that printed paper because it is not only untrue in many things, and particularly in what it says of an unhappy fall from a table which bruised and broke the child’s hip and other bones which are nothing so, but do very much disparage the story itself in the account it pretends to give of it, and therefore, having informed myself sufficiently (as I think) about it, I shall give you a plain and true relation of the matter of fact, without any remarks or observations of my own, for the thing being undoubtedly true, needs nothing to set it off or recommend it to the world, there being no parties of men that I know of that endeavour to serve themselves by it any further than to be satisfied of its truth, and give glory to God for the things that he hath done. And indeed you are yourself too great a judge of such matters, for me to attempt anything more than the relation itself, which in obedience to your commands, for such all your requests are with me, I here withal send you, and give you free leave to impart it to as many of your friends as you think fit.

    ———————————————

    Mariane Maillard, the person of whom you desire an account, is the daughter of one Mr. John Maillard, a French protestant of the town of Cognar in Saintonge, where he lived in good repute, being a sword-cutler by trade, and a very honest man, and had four children of which this Mariane was the eldest, who when she was six months old became lame by an accidental fall out of her father’s arms, who, being very fond of her, would be frequently playing with her, tossing her up, and catching her again, till at last he very unhappily let her fall to the ground where she received, as it appeared afterwards, a very considerable hurt in her left side, which he not then apprehending any danger from, thinking that it might be only a little bruise that would be soon well again - and being unwilling to tell his wife of it, for fear of frighting or troubling her - took no further care about it, till at last perceiving that her hip was out by the wryness of the leg and foot, and the very distorted motion when the child began to go, the heel turning almost quite forward, he became extremely concerned at it, and desired the help of several surgeons, who after they had seen it, declared it to be incurable, as did also diverse other surgeons, both in Switzerland and London, and particularly Mr. Dubatt, a very eminent surgeon in Green Street near Leister-Fields, to whom it was shown by her parents afterwards, and that the cure of it could not be attempted without endangering the life of the child, and exposing it to the most exquisite pain and torture, which the parents by no means consenting to, chose rather to submit to the will of God, than try so cruel and desperate an experiment. And by this means the child continued lame, growing still more and more crooked and deformed as it grew up, being always ready to fall as she went along, and thus she continued till she was 6 or 7 years old, when her father was forced to fly out of France, upon the Dragooning part of the French persecution, choosing rather to do so than change his religion, and so taking his wife and four children with him, of which this was the eldest, he fled first into Switzerland, travelling only by night, enduring great hardships, and escaping many dangers, where, having stayed some time, he came from thence through Germany into Holland, and at last came over into England about the time of the late Revolution. But being extremely poor, and not able to maintain his wife and children, he obtained to be made a Sergeant in one of the French regiments that went over into Ireland, under the command of Capt. De Lasherosi in Col. Corbon’s Regiment, where he served the regiment two years, but the pay not answering his expectation and necessities, he was forced to quit that employment, and return to his trade, and went over every year with the army into Flanders, there to mend and sell swords. His wife also being an industrious and skilful woman, went amongst the French refugees to make the beds and clean the rooms of those that were sick, by which means she got a small subsistence for herself and children, being paid a half-penny for each room.

    And in this sort of service she continued for some time, taking this girl, for the most part, along with her, who used, as far as she was able, to assist her mother, and soon became very serviceable to her, till one day as she was attending thus upon one Madam Laulan, who fled hither from the French persecution, and formerly, for about 12 or 13 years together had been a domestic of Marshal Turene during his being a protestant, waiting upon his Lady (a person of eminent piety, charity and wisdom, and a great patroness of all of the reformed religion in France that needed her countenance and assistance) in the quality of her woman, who perceiving the girl very towardly, and willing to do anything she could for her mother, was so pleased with her (being then very ill herself, and having a son also sick at the same time, who is since dead), that she took her to look to them both, and to go about upon errands as she had occasion, instead of a nurse or other servant which she was not able to maintain.

    And with her she lived three years, doing all things with greater care and hardiness than could have been expected from her years and condition, being then but a little above nine years old, and withal so much afflicted with extreme pains by reason of her lameness, that she rather seemed to need one to attend upon her than to be put to attend upon another. And indeed, if mere poverty had not forced her to it, she might well have been excused from that sort of service, but her parents not being able to maintain her better, were glad of the opportunity to dispose of her so well, knowing Madam Laulan to be a very pious and good tempered woman, and indeed the girl was so pleased with her new service, and took such a liking to her mistress, that she seemed well contented with her condition and bore her affliction with the greatest patience (though she often felt great pain in her hip and leg on that side on which she was lame, especially in foggy misty weather).

    The only thing that most sensibly afflicted her was the scoffing persecution which she daily met with from the boys in the streets who, seeing her strange distorted manner of going (which was indeed very unusual), were wont to follow her and pull her with great rudeness, calling her ‘crooked monster’, etc. of which she frequently complained to her mistress, who being a very good Christian, gave her still the best advice and comfort that she could, telling her that there was no help for her, and therefore she must bear it with patience, which indeed she did for a long time.

    But on Sunday the 26th of November last past, as she returned home in the evening from Church, she was much concerned to see a man, as she judged, about forty years of age, join with the boys in abusing and tormenting of her, telling her mistress when she came home, with many tears, that she thought he might have been better employed than to laugh at her, who had already but too much sorrow and affliction from her condition. Her mistress endeavoured to comfort her again, as she used to do, and told her that if she would thus trouble herself every time she was so used, she would have enough to do and never want for vexation, since her lameness was incurable, and would remain so all her life long, and that therefore she must resolve to be patient, and to commit her cause to God, using several other arguments with her to the same purpose to pacify her mind and allay her trouble, and the more to put these thoughts out of her head, having eaten a little supper, she bid her take her Bible and read a chapter to her, as she used to do every day in the New Testament. The place that she was then read to, in the course of her daily reading, was the 2nd of St. Mark. But opening the Bible, she happened to meet with that place of St. Matthew where the evangelist speaks of St. Peter’s mother who lay sick of a fever and was by our Saviour’s touching of her immediately cured.

    Her mistress liking that place, because it had some relation to her present distemper which was an intermittent fever, and returned every day, and continued for a long time, bid her read that out before she turned to her own chapter which she did, and when she had done, they had some discourse upon it, the mistress saying, “Oh how happy should I be if I were thus delivered from my fever,” - “And I,” adding the maid, “if I were cured of my lameness.” After this she turned to her own chapter, which happened to be the 2nd of St. Mark; whereupon reading the story of the man that was sick of the palsy, whose faith our Saviour there commends, amongst the rest that assisted in letting him down through the roof into his presence, and whom he not only cures, but grants besides the forgiveness of his sins too, she made a stop and began to exclaim against the scribes, not only for persisting in their incredulity, but for accusing our Saviour also of blasphemy, saying to her, “Mistress, oh how wicked were these unbelieving scribes to speak so of our Saviour when he had done so many miracles, I am sure I should have done quite otherwise, and if I should hear of such a thing I should immediately run to him and believe.” And whilst she was thus speaking, she had her leg stretched out towards her mistress who bid her pull it back, telling her it was not decent to put so near her; to whom the maid replied, “Mistress, I did not complain much today because you forbade me, but I do assure you I have felt a great deal of pain, as I use to do in all misty weather.” And at the same time as they were thus talking together, they heard suddenly a great snap, which they both perceived very plain, the mistress thinking it had been something in the fire that made that noise; but the maid rising up very hastily, cries out, “Mistress, did you hear the noise? It was my hip-bone that is certainly restored to its place!” And throwing herself upon her mistress with such transports of joy, as if she had been beside herself.

    She embraced her knees about so fast that she could not get her off, saying, “my dear mistress, I am well, my pain is all gone, and I hear something that says, ‘thou art cured’, my joy is so great that I cannot tell where I am, nor what I do: pray feel yourself and see here the hollow place is filled up, and the swelling quite gone; oh God be thanked; pray let me go and show it the landlord and landlady, and the maid below the stairs.” And so walked several turns about the room without any pain at all, her foot being now straight as the other. And thus she has continued ever since, only that leg being a little shorter than the other (perhaps through the long continuance out of its place which hindered its due growth, and the necessary extension of the nerves and sinews); she therefore halts a little still, but has nothing at all of that monstrous distorted lameness which she had before, and which all that knew her then, and have seen her now, cannot but extremely wonder at and praise God for.

    Her mistress seeing her in these transports of joy was afraid at first that she was or would be quite beside herself; but considering the matter well, and seeing with her own eyes the wonderful change that was made in her condition, the hollow place which she had often, and but that very day seen and felt, perfectly filled up, the bone in its proper place, and her leg and foot now straight and right as it should be, she bid her not think of going downstairs that night, but rather fall upon her knees and give God his due praise, who had done so much for her and who in a minute’s time had cured a pain and lameness that had been of 12 years continuance, which no art of man could no; and so they accordingly did. It being then late, went both to bed, where the poor girl could hardly rest or sleep for joy. The next morning she showed it to as many of her acquaintances as she could meet with, who could not but wonder at so strange and unlooked for a thing. Her parents saw it with tears of joy, and have, as they ought, sent bills into the Churches, that God might be the more glorified, and his praises be set forth the better by whole congregations.

    Thus, Sir, I have given you a plain, but very true and exact account of this matter, in compliance with your earnest and well intended inquiry after it, to which I might indeed add, for the full confirmation of it, a great number of certificates and affidavits (having some by me) from many hundreds of persons that have seen and known this girl both before and since her cure, and are able to give a full and satisfactory account of her, to all that shall be desirous more particularly to be informed about her. But to what purpose should I give myself and you that trouble, since the same inquiry into the truth of those certificates and affidavits, which is necessary for the confirmation of them, would be sufficient to satisfy anybody of the truth of the thing. Let it suffice therefore to show you that she was personally known to Mr. Dubatt, whom I mentioned before; to the Lady Sunderland and her family, where she often resorted, and where she was always well accepted and received many charitable kindnesses, both in meat and money, and who will all testify to the truth of her lameness; as will also most of Mr. Hampden’s family, whither she also went very frequently to sell some little things for her mistress which they used in charity and compassion to buy of her. To these I might add above 100 persons more of this nation, besides an innumerable company of her own, who all knew and pitied her sad condition, and who now rejoice and wonder to see her so perfectly cured in so short a time.

    Your humble servant, E. H.

    Printed in 1693.

  2. The Collapse of Bull Inn

    A true relation of a most dismal accident that happened in the Strand, the 14th of this instant May, 1686, by the fall of the Bull Inn, and part of another adjacent house, together with the number of the persons killed, and those that were taken out alive amongst the ruins thereof, which in all are to the number of fifteen persons.

    Amongst the various means ordained to bring us to our graves, that of sudden death is one of the most deplorable, and possibly a sadder scene of that kind has not been than this following relation will testify.

    Mr. Jonathan Tooth, Master of the Bull Inn in the Strand, over against Ivy Bridge, had been in some late apprehensions of the weakness of his house, especially of that part of it next to the street, and had accordingly been advised to prevent the falling of it. More particularly, the very morning of this unfortunate accident, when happening to be about five o’clock, a carpenter that had some business in a yard near his house came to him and assured him that his house was sinking, and that it would fall in some very little time. Hereupon, he immediately sent some workmen (with all speed) to the waterside to fetch props, such as we see daily made use of for the supporting of houses; but, alas, this ill-timed endeavour came too late, for before their return, the fatal ruin came. Nevertheless, the landlord’s fears increasing, he thought it not prudent to wait the coming back of the workmen, but being solicitous for the lives both of his guests and family, he first called up his chamberlain, and bade him alarm his lodgers with the danger they were in, and endeavour to raise them to prevent that mischief that threatened.

    The persons that lodged in that front part of his house were about thirteen, all men, some but newly came thither, and others that had lodged there longer. The chamberlain obeyed his Master’s order, and instantly ran up to each person’s door to awaken them and gave them all notice of the danger they were in, but he had scarce finished his message and returned to the staircase when the whole front of the next house, insomuch that few or none reaped any benefit by the warning given, all fell with it, scarce one escaping being buried in the ruins.

    Diverse are the reports of the number, both of the persons killed and wounded, but this relation is grounded upon a firmer authority than flying fame, that but too often errs in accidents of this kind, being taken from a servant of the house, and an eye-witness to this miserable disaster. The persons that were took up dead are one John Martin, who had rented the wine cellar of the Inn, and a coachman that came up out of the country the day before; also the child and maid-servant of Mr. Pullen Oylman, next door to the Bull Inn. The persons taken up alive, but very much wounded, are seven, the coachman to the Lady Wallet, two servants of Sir John Bickerstaff, a soldier, and three other servants of other gentlemen. The coachman who escaped with only his legs broken, or very much bruised, is supposed may recover, the others are in much greater danger of death, as being bruised more upon their vital parts, though no endeavours are wanting for their recovery, if possible.

    This is all the discovery that hitherto can be made, there being two or three more persons suspected to be buried in the rubbish which cannot be truly known yet. There have been diverse reports of [more] ladies and gentlemen that perished in this woeful disaster, but it is altogether false; such indeed lay there some days before, but it was their peculiar blessing to be gone away the very day before. But notwithstanding their happier deliverance, there have been but too many sufferers in this dismal blow and not a few sad eyes at so dreadful a spectacle. And though no man’s fate, though never so tragical, but comes by the peculiar decree of heaven, yet ought this miserable relation be no little warning-piece to the timely care of other men in preventing the like dangers. The falling of this house being long threatened before it happened, and which care and timely endeavours might have escaped.

    Comments:

    Tags: accidents death

  3. Reports from the Old Bailey

    A true narrative of the proceedings at the Sessions House in the Old Bailey, beginning on the 11th of this instant July, 1677, wherein is contained the trial of the woman for committing that odious sin of buggery with a dog; and likewise of the man for buggering of two mares. With the trial of the young maid that poisoned her mother, a maid, and two gentlewomen, and all the rest of the most remarkable trials there, with an account of how many are condemned to die, how many burned in the hand, to be whipped and transported.

    One of the first and most talked of trials at this Sessions was for such an abominable crime, attended with such odious circumstances as it is thought scarce any story can parallel it, especially in this, our more modest and chaster climate, hitherto a stranger to such unnatural wickedness; and we hope the justice executed on this wretched criminal will deter all others from any the like detestable inclinations for the future.

    A married woman lately living without Cripplegate who appeared to be between 30 and 40 years of age was arraigned for that, she having not the fear of God before her eyes nor regarding the order of Nature, on the 23rd of June last, to the disgrace of all womankind, did commit buggery with a certain mongrel dog, and wickedly, devilishly, and against nature had venereal and carnal copulation with him, etc. It was proved that the prisoner was a person of a lewd conversation, and lodging in a room into which there were several holes to look in at from the next house, they had often seen her in the very acts of uncleanness with villains that followed her. But one day one of the witnesses (a young woman) happening to cast her eye in, saw her use such actions with a dog as are not fit here to be recited, at which being amazed, she called up another woman, and after that a man, who all saw her several times practising this beastliness, and fully evidenced the same in court, where the dog was likewise brought, and being sat on the bar before the prisoner, owned her by wagging his tail and making motions as it were to kiss her, which it was sworn she did when she made that horrid use of him. For herself she had nothing to say, but denying the fact, alledging it was malice in the witnesses which her husband, who appeared on her behalf, likewise suggested, but could not make out any quarrel or occasion of any such malice in the least; whereupon after full consideration of all circumstances she was brought in guilty.

    Yet cannot the bearded sex, though pretending a stronger reason, jostle on this unhappy precedent upbraid the weaker vessels or tax them with this dishonour, for the very next arraignment was of a fellow for buggery of a mare. The evidence against him testified that they saw him in the fields beyond Shoreditch on Sunday the 17th of June amongst the brick kilns, driving a white mare to a small heap of bricks which he had laid together, and there used most unnatural and brutish endeavours several times, and after that to another bay mare, but being near threescore yards distant, they could not make that direct and positive proof which the law exacts, so that he was acquitted on that indictment. At the bar he behaved himself as one insensible, scarce speaking a word for himself, save only that he did no harm. He confessed he lately came out of Kent to seek as he said for work, and within 3 or 4 days after his coming up was apprehended in this beastly action.

    The last Sessions an ancient man keeping a victualling house was arraigned for stealing a black mare. The case was somewhat strange: on the 9th of May last between 4 and 5 in the morning, a person leading this mare tied her to the pales of this house and went in to drink, and after one pot went away, pretending to come again presently, the mare stood there till 4 o’ clock in the afternoon. Then, the victualler took care of her, put her to grass and shortly after was taken on her back by the owner who thereupon indicted him last Sessions, though two men who saw the person that brought her thither, attending then to give evidence on behalf of the victualler, happened to see and seize one in the Sessions House Yard (between the time of his arraignment and trial) whom they said was the man that brought the mare; whereupon the court being ready to break up, the victualler’s trial was put off, and this person taken into custody. The witnesses now spoke home that he was the man, but he absolutely denying it, endeavouring to prove where he was that night, and several people of fashion attesting his former good conversation, credit, and estate, and it not being improbable but the witnesses might mistake one they never saw but once, and then only transiently without any occasion to take particular notice of him, the jury thought fit to bring him not guilty; as likewise they did the said victualler; but (according to the proverb) the man has his mare again, and all is well.

    A carman who unhappily run his car over a child in Busts Lane was indicted for murder, but it appearing to be by the child’s accidental falling from a bench just as he was passing, without his seeing of it or any default in him, he was acquitted.

    A young wench was convicted for stealing four small gold plates off a silversmith’s stall, whereof one was taken upon her.

    A boy not above eleven years old being sent by a gentleman in his master’s house up stairs to fetch a pair of pistols, not suspecting them to be loaded, and thinking to frighten the servant maid with flashing a little powder which was in the pan, discharged it, and thereby unhappily killed her, for which he was brought in guilty of manslaughter.

    A fellow being indicted for stealing a piece of cloth out of a shop in Cheapside. One of the witnesses was a porter who could not directly prove the felony. The other that could have done it was a young man who out of a foolish bigotry refused to take an oath, and after the court had long endeavoured from scripture and reason to answer all his erroneous scruples, finding him still obstinate, committed him to the bail-dock to be proceeded against and fined according to the statue in that case provided; and his master who was bound to prosecute being sent for, he affronting the court by putting on his hat and the like insolent carriage, was committed to keep his man company till he should find sureties for his good behaviour; but in the mean time the felon escaped and wishes all the town of this silly religion.

    An old notorious offender indicted for breaking a house and stealing a flitch of bacon and other things, for want of exact proof escaped thereupon; but it appeared he was lately transported on a conditional pardon, and had come over within the time to practice his rogueries afresh, whereby his life was legally forfeited.

    An apprentice was indicted for stealing 80 l. from his master; but it appearing that satisfaction had been already accepted, and that the sum embezzled was far less, he was brought in only guilty to the value of 10 d.

    A young man that occasioned the death of a man near Bow Church in Cheapside in the last Whitson Holidays took a trial for the same, a woman that was in company with the person killed swore that the prisoner gave the first affront by pushing by the other as they met, but three others witnessed that the deceased first quarrelled with and beat the prisoner, and being like to choke him with pulling his cravat, after several entreaties to be quiet, the prisoner drew his sword, and wthout making any pass, as they were struggling together, the man unhappily received a mortal wound; which was brought in manslaughter, and the prisoner burned in the hand for the same.

    There succeeded a long and remarkable trial of a young girl for murdering her own mother by poison. The prosecution was grounded wholly upon her own voluntary confession, and several worthy persons proved that she had acknowledged it to them, and also that she for several times endeavoured to poison a Lady with whom she lived, though through mercy she had recovered and was in health again. But that not immediately concerning the present case, and the girl denying the poisoning of her mother now at the bar, as likewise for that it did not appear that her mother was at all poisoned, or any suspicion raised thereon, she was brought in not guilty.

    There were in all ten burned in the hand this Sessions. Two men and five women received sentence of death, amongst whom that monster who prostituted herself to a dog was one; the rest incorrigible thieves, and three for petty crimed ordered to be whipped.

    Printed in 1677.

  4. A miraculous and monstrous, but yet most true and certain, discourse of a woman (now to be seen in London) of the age of three-score years or thereabouts, in the midst of whose forehead (by the wonderful work of God) there grows out a crooked horn of four inches long.
This woman, whose name is Margaret Griffiths by her father’s name after the use and custom of Wales, was lately the wife of David Owen, of the parish of Llhan Gaduain in the county of Montgomry, a husbandman deceased with whom, as she lived many years (to the eye of the world) very quietly, and honestly, having four children, whereof three are yet alive. So has she since, during the time of her widowhood, maintained herself with her small portion of land and other necessaries (for anything that is known) in very good order.
Yet notwithstanding, there appeared of late, viz. in May last, through the wonderful work of God as the woman herself contesteth, and so likewise testified by others, in the midst of her forehead a small hard knob, having on the top thereof at the first as it were a dry scab, which she laboured by cutting and all other help of surgery to have covered and cured, but all was in vain for the more that she strove with it, the more it grew. And although it was often pared away, yet was she advised, and in the end enforced, to let it alone, to see whereunto it would come; since which time, it has still grown both in greatness and hardness, so that it is now become both in colour, quantity, and proportion, a very horn, much like unto a sheep’s horn, four inches long or thereabouts, most miraculously growing down out of her forehead, to the middle of her nose, and there it crooks towards her right eye, and grows so fast, that she is fain to have it cut, lest otherwise the sight of her eye should be stopped therewith.
Moreover, there began to grow out of the root of this horn another little knob, after the same manner that the horn grew at the first, which she caused to be cut away for that she feared it would become another horn. The woman has been examined by the Justices of Peace of this said country, who have also informed the Council of the Parishes of Wales therewith, not lately she is sent up hither to London by the said Justices to the end she might be seen of the Lords of the Queen Majesty’s most honourable Privy Council.
And yet there is no certain natural cause known but the handy work of God, how this horn should grow: some speeches there are, but yet doubtfully reported and not willingly acknowledged, either by her or her friends, that there has heretofore some words palled between her husband and her in his life time, who suspecting her of some light behaviour, and charging her with it in these terms, that she had given him the horn. She then not only constantly denied it, but said also that if she had given her husband the horn, she might have a horn growing out of her own face and forehead, to the wonder of the whole world. But how certain these rumours are, I leave to him that is the searcher of secrets, and both she and every beholder of her, to examine their own sousciences, and by this spectacle to be warned to amend their former lives, and to beware not only that they tempt not the Lord God, in craving his vengeance to be seen upon them for their secret offences, but rather with penitent hearts, most humbly to crave his pardon and forgiveness for their manifold sins and wickedness, which he grants unto us all, most vile and wretched sinners, for his dear son’s sake, Jesus Christ our saviour, to whom be all honour and glory, now and forever. Amen.
Printed in 1588.

    A miraculous and monstrous, but yet most true and certain, discourse of a woman (now to be seen in London) of the age of three-score years or thereabouts, in the midst of whose forehead (by the wonderful work of God) there grows out a crooked horn of four inches long.

    This woman, whose name is Margaret Griffiths by her father’s name after the use and custom of Wales, was lately the wife of David Owen, of the parish of Llhan Gaduain in the county of Montgomry, a husbandman deceased with whom, as she lived many years (to the eye of the world) very quietly, and honestly, having four children, whereof three are yet alive. So has she since, during the time of her widowhood, maintained herself with her small portion of land and other necessaries (for anything that is known) in very good order.

    Yet notwithstanding, there appeared of late, viz. in May last, through the wonderful work of God as the woman herself contesteth, and so likewise testified by others, in the midst of her forehead a small hard knob, having on the top thereof at the first as it were a dry scab, which she laboured by cutting and all other help of surgery to have covered and cured, but all was in vain for the more that she strove with it, the more it grew. And although it was often pared away, yet was she advised, and in the end enforced, to let it alone, to see whereunto it would come; since which time, it has still grown both in greatness and hardness, so that it is now become both in colour, quantity, and proportion, a very horn, much like unto a sheep’s horn, four inches long or thereabouts, most miraculously growing down out of her forehead, to the middle of her nose, and there it crooks towards her right eye, and grows so fast, that she is fain to have it cut, lest otherwise the sight of her eye should be stopped therewith.

    Moreover, there began to grow out of the root of this horn another little knob, after the same manner that the horn grew at the first, which she caused to be cut away for that she feared it would become another horn. The woman has been examined by the Justices of Peace of this said country, who have also informed the Council of the Parishes of Wales therewith, not lately she is sent up hither to London by the said Justices to the end she might be seen of the Lords of the Queen Majesty’s most honourable Privy Council.

    And yet there is no certain natural cause known but the handy work of God, how this horn should grow: some speeches there are, but yet doubtfully reported and not willingly acknowledged, either by her or her friends, that there has heretofore some words palled between her husband and her in his life time, who suspecting her of some light behaviour, and charging her with it in these terms, that she had given him the horn. She then not only constantly denied it, but said also that if she had given her husband the horn, she might have a horn growing out of her own face and forehead, to the wonder of the whole world. But how certain these rumours are, I leave to him that is the searcher of secrets, and both she and every beholder of her, to examine their own sousciences, and by this spectacle to be warned to amend their former lives, and to beware not only that they tempt not the Lord God, in craving his vengeance to be seen upon them for their secret offences, but rather with penitent hearts, most humbly to crave his pardon and forgiveness for their manifold sins and wickedness, which he grants unto us all, most vile and wretched sinners, for his dear son’s sake, Jesus Christ our saviour, to whom be all honour and glory, now and forever. Amen.

    Printed in 1588.

  5. The Kidnapper TrapOr, the Treacherous Husband Caught in his own Trap, being a pleasant and true relation of a man in this town that would have sold his wife to Virginia, how he bargained with the master of a ship for forty-five shillings, telling him she was a slut* that followed him, and that he could not be rid of her; but afterwards the master discovering that she was his wife, released her, and clapping him into the hold, carried him away in her stead.
Supposing I tell you a story generally known, I shall forbear to particularise in the names of the persons concerned, or the place where they lived; but only I say in general, there lived a person in this town (between Charing Cross and the Royal Exchange) who, though he was but of an ordinary profession, yet was called ‘master’ all over the parish where he lived; and had so much of a gentleman in him as to keep a she-friend, who in times of pleasure, or necessity, supplied the room of his wife. This modest mechanic groaning under the burden of wedlock, like a porter under a chest of sugar, was resolved to be rid of it at any rate. Many a conference had old Nick and he about it, and laying their heads together, had run over as many contrivances to make a woman away. as the devil or man could invent. But at last it was agreed that she should march off to some foreign plantation. This was looked upon as a notable contrivance. And so taking his leave of him for the present, away he goes to the Royal Exchange in order to put the design in execution.
Being come there he falls to examining the pillars, and found a cruel company of hard names that he could not tell what to make off, but at last meeting very happily with a ship bound for Virginia and just ready to depart, he agreed upon that as the most suitable to his design, both as to the time and place. Joyful with this lucky opportunity, home he returns to his wife. Very sweet he was upon her, and like an old cunning rat-catcher he mixed sugar with his poison that it might take the better. She wonderfully pleased with his unusual kindness, provided something extraordinary for his dinner, and such joy there was as they had never known since their wedding day.
The merriment being a little over, and the afternoon fair, he pretended business at the place where the vessel lay, and desired his wife to bear him company. I know the reader is presently concluding that she was ready to go with him, but he’s mistaken, for having three small bantlings at home, that could never a one of them shift for itself, the good woman was very unwilling to leave them. But however overcome by the treacherous kindness of the good man, she at last got a neighbourly woman to give the little one the teat, and spread bread and butter for the rest, and away they trudged together as lovingly as any couple in the parish.
Hitherto all things seemed to favour the project, for being come to the key, the first man he met with chanced to be the master of the said vessel to which the bill had directed him. Hereupon he took an opportunity to discourse him in the thing and, in short, covenanted for five shillings in the hand and forty shillings more to be paid when the ship had past the blockhouse at Graves End.
Nothing was more to be done now but the delivery of the goods, of which both the master and the husband were equally impatient. And in this they found very little difficulty, for the former inviting the latter on board, he could do no less than desire the company of his wife; nor she, than comply with his kind request, having no mistrust of his intention. Being come on board, they were entertained with such things as the ship (I had almost said “house”) afforded, and after some considerable stay, her husband absenting himself longer than ordinary, she desired the master he might be called for, as she had three small children at home that wanted her dearly.
The master somewhat startled hereat, demanded of her if she were married, for as yet he had not discovered that they were man and wife. She replied, “Yes,” and that the person who came with her was her husband. He, presently smoking the design, told her the long and short of the business, in the manner that I have related it, which so surprised the woman that upon a sudden she lost that little sense she had and fell into a swoon. Her husband returning in this interval inquired into the cause which he no sooner understood, but it is said he had like to have born her company, for he was a pitiful low-hearted rascal (as I have already intimated to you) that would have been more wicked if he had been more courageous. Gape he did and was going to say something in excuse of himself, but his wife coming to herself told him he lied at a venture, clapping her hands and scolding at such a rate, that she made the cabin ring again. “Sirrah,” says she, “is this your kindness? I thought it would come to this (though in this I dare swear she lied). Did not I marry you, and give you five pounds to buy your wedding clothes, when you had not a tatter to your arse (for in her haste she did not stand upon fine words)? And yet for all this have not you used me like a dog, and kept a whore under my nose? And now at last to betray me and sell me?” - More she would have said to this purpose; and to say truth, if ever a woman may be justified in her scolding she had occasion enough, but the master being an honest fellow, and not caring for too much noise on one hand, nor too much villainy on the other, bid her be quiet, and all should be well enough.
So taking the husband to task, “Sirrah,” says he, “did not you tell me that this was an impudent baggage that dogged you up and down to marry her? That she resolved to father a child upon you that another had begot? Which for ought I know may be true enough too. But when I asked you whether she were your wife or no, did you not very impudently forswear it?”
“Yes, and please your worship,” says the poor sneaking cur, “I did,” and if it had been false, he durst not have denied it for his ears. But on the master proceeds in his hard language, swearing by all the flesh upon his back (which considering the corpulency of the man was a pretty swinging oath) that he should never set foot ashore till he came to Virginia. “And for your part, mistress,” says he, “you may even go quietly ashore, and say it is the best day’s work that ever you did since your mother bound your head.” But she for all, like a fond fool fell snivelling and wringing her hands, desiring the master that he would not carry away her dear husband, for let him do what he would yet still he was her husband, and in that clamorous impertinence, I’ll warrant you she repeated the word “husband” above a hundred times, whereat the master (being a little hasty) replied, “a pox a take ye, then ye may go both together.”
The fellow between joy and haste had like to have leapt over board, concluding he was discharged, but the woman taking it in the right sense, calling to mind both the unkindness of her husband and the sad condition her little ones would be left in, was contented to intreat for herself and to submit to the master’s pleasure as to the other, but for all she could not forbear offering all the money she had for his releasement, for which she was heartily laughed at and sent away. I hope I need not take much pains to persuade you that the fellow begged very heartily to come ashore: but I do assure you if the master keeps his word (as I think he will) he is not like to set foot on land till he come to Chuck a Tuck in James River in Virginia, whether he is very fairly bound, and for the master’s sake (my particular friend) I wish him a good voyage.
Printed in 1675.
* I was curious about the use of the word “slut”, not knowing for how long it has been in use. It turns out that the first attested use of the word was in 1402 when Thomas Hoccleve said in Letter of Cupid, “the foulest slutte of al a tovne [town].”

    The Kidnapper Trap
    Or, the Treacherous Husband Caught in his own Trap, being a pleasant and true relation of a man in this town that would have sold his wife to Virginia, how he bargained with the master of a ship for forty-five shillings, telling him she was a slut* that followed him, and that he could not be rid of her; but afterwards the master discovering that she was his wife, released her, and clapping him into the hold, carried him away in her stead.

    Supposing I tell you a story generally known, I shall forbear to particularise in the names of the persons concerned, or the place where they lived; but only I say in general, there lived a person in this town (between Charing Cross and the Royal Exchange) who, though he was but of an ordinary profession, yet was called ‘master’ all over the parish where he lived; and had so much of a gentleman in him as to keep a she-friend, who in times of pleasure, or necessity, supplied the room of his wife. This modest mechanic groaning under the burden of wedlock, like a porter under a chest of sugar, was resolved to be rid of it at any rate. Many a conference had old Nick and he about it, and laying their heads together, had run over as many contrivances to make a woman away. as the devil or man could invent. But at last it was agreed that she should march off to some foreign plantation. This was looked upon as a notable contrivance. And so taking his leave of him for the present, away he goes to the Royal Exchange in order to put the design in execution.

    Being come there he falls to examining the pillars, and found a cruel company of hard names that he could not tell what to make off, but at last meeting very happily with a ship bound for Virginia and just ready to depart, he agreed upon that as the most suitable to his design, both as to the time and place. Joyful with this lucky opportunity, home he returns to his wife. Very sweet he was upon her, and like an old cunning rat-catcher he mixed sugar with his poison that it might take the better. She wonderfully pleased with his unusual kindness, provided something extraordinary for his dinner, and such joy there was as they had never known since their wedding day.

    The merriment being a little over, and the afternoon fair, he pretended business at the place where the vessel lay, and desired his wife to bear him company. I know the reader is presently concluding that she was ready to go with him, but he’s mistaken, for having three small bantlings at home, that could never a one of them shift for itself, the good woman was very unwilling to leave them. But however overcome by the treacherous kindness of the good man, she at last got a neighbourly woman to give the little one the teat, and spread bread and butter for the rest, and away they trudged together as lovingly as any couple in the parish.

    Hitherto all things seemed to favour the project, for being come to the key, the first man he met with chanced to be the master of the said vessel to which the bill had directed him. Hereupon he took an opportunity to discourse him in the thing and, in short, covenanted for five shillings in the hand and forty shillings more to be paid when the ship had past the blockhouse at Graves End.

    Nothing was more to be done now but the delivery of the goods, of which both the master and the husband were equally impatient. And in this they found very little difficulty, for the former inviting the latter on board, he could do no less than desire the company of his wife; nor she, than comply with his kind request, having no mistrust of his intention. Being come on board, they were entertained with such things as the ship (I had almost said “house”) afforded, and after some considerable stay, her husband absenting himself longer than ordinary, she desired the master he might be called for, as she had three small children at home that wanted her dearly.

    The master somewhat startled hereat, demanded of her if she were married, for as yet he had not discovered that they were man and wife. She replied, “Yes,” and that the person who came with her was her husband. He, presently smoking the design, told her the long and short of the business, in the manner that I have related it, which so surprised the woman that upon a sudden she lost that little sense she had and fell into a swoon. Her husband returning in this interval inquired into the cause which he no sooner understood, but it is said he had like to have born her company, for he was a pitiful low-hearted rascal (as I have already intimated to you) that would have been more wicked if he had been more courageous. Gape he did and was going to say something in excuse of himself, but his wife coming to herself told him he lied at a venture, clapping her hands and scolding at such a rate, that she made the cabin ring again. “Sirrah,” says she, “is this your kindness? I thought it would come to this (though in this I dare swear she lied). Did not I marry you, and give you five pounds to buy your wedding clothes, when you had not a tatter to your arse (for in her haste she did not stand upon fine words)? And yet for all this have not you used me like a dog, and kept a whore under my nose? And now at last to betray me and sell me?” - More she would have said to this purpose; and to say truth, if ever a woman may be justified in her scolding she had occasion enough, but the master being an honest fellow, and not caring for too much noise on one hand, nor too much villainy on the other, bid her be quiet, and all should be well enough.

    So taking the husband to task, “Sirrah,” says he, “did not you tell me that this was an impudent baggage that dogged you up and down to marry her? That she resolved to father a child upon you that another had begot? Which for ought I know may be true enough too. But when I asked you whether she were your wife or no, did you not very impudently forswear it?”

    “Yes, and please your worship,” says the poor sneaking cur, “I did,” and if it had been false, he durst not have denied it for his ears. But on the master proceeds in his hard language, swearing by all the flesh upon his back (which considering the corpulency of the man was a pretty swinging oath) that he should never set foot ashore till he came to Virginia. “And for your part, mistress,” says he, “you may even go quietly ashore, and say it is the best day’s work that ever you did since your mother bound your head.” But she for all, like a fond fool fell snivelling and wringing her hands, desiring the master that he would not carry away her dear husband, for let him do what he would yet still he was her husband, and in that clamorous impertinence, I’ll warrant you she repeated the word “husband” above a hundred times, whereat the master (being a little hasty) replied, “a pox a take ye, then ye may go both together.”

    The fellow between joy and haste had like to have leapt over board, concluding he was discharged, but the woman taking it in the right sense, calling to mind both the unkindness of her husband and the sad condition her little ones would be left in, was contented to intreat for herself and to submit to the master’s pleasure as to the other, but for all she could not forbear offering all the money she had for his releasement, for which she was heartily laughed at and sent away. I hope I need not take much pains to persuade you that the fellow begged very heartily to come ashore: but I do assure you if the master keeps his word (as I think he will) he is not like to set foot on land till he come to Chuck a Tuck in James River in Virginia, whether he is very fairly bound, and for the master’s sake (my particular friend) I wish him a good voyage.

    Printed in 1675.

    * I was curious about the use of the word “slut”, not knowing for how long it has been in use. It turns out that the first attested use of the word was in 1402 when Thomas Hoccleve said in Letter of Cupid, “the foulest slutte of al a tovne [town].”

Tumblr Theme 'Nautical' by PixelUnion, with modifications by the author